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some very rude jokes
01-18-2011, 08:18 AM
Post: #1
some very rude jokes
I gave my wife an orgasm last night. Ungrateful bitch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . spat it out....

Breaking News! FIFA has decided that GIRLS should be GOALKEEPERS for the WORLD CUP because...
No matter how wide they open, they never let the balls go in!

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, 'you crafty bastard!' said the fairy.


His & Hers diary page one, Saturday.

HERS.

He was quiet, subdued, just not himself. Something was wrong, He hasn't kissed me all night. Not even looked in my direction. I think it's another woman. I went to bed and cried. He followed me up later. I cuddled up to him and stroked his hair. He lay still. Eventually we made love and fell asleep in each others arms.



HIS:

England drew. gutted. Got a shag though.


For my sons Birthday we bought him an iPod, my daughter had an iPhone for hers and for my Birthday I was pleased to receive an iPad. Thinking along the same lines I got my wife an iRon - and then the fight started !

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
-- Author Unknown
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01-18-2011, 08:43 AM
Post: #2
RE: some very rude jokes
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.” When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!”

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Me too!”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend:



So get yourself a dog.”

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
-- Author Unknown
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01-18-2011, 08:43 AM
Post: #3
RE: some very rude jokes
lady is very upset because her pet Chihuahua has only been placed second in Best Of Breed at Crufts so she decides to speak to the Judge and get some advice on how to win. The Judge tells her that her dog only came second because it had hair growing on its chin. He advised her to apply Immac Hair Remover Cream for 2 weeks just before next years competition to ensure 1st place.
So 2 weeks before following years Cruft Show off she goes to the local pharmacy and asks for a tub of Immac Hair Remover. The assistant asks if she has used it before to which she says she hasn't. Assistant tells her not to wear a tight blouse after application to allow the cream time to work on armpit hair. Lady replies indignantly that the Cream is not for her arm pits but for her Chihuahua.
The assistant replies "in that case madam don't ride your bike for a couple of days."
*******************************************
Prince Charles was reversing his Land Rover out of the garage when he ran over the Queen's favorite corgi. He got out and found the corgi dead, squashed to a pulp. Just then a Genie popped up and said "Your highness I can give you one wish. What would you like?"

The Prince said "This is mummy's favorite dog. Can you bring it back to life?".

So the Genie said "Let's have a look at the dog."
"Oh no, nothing can be done with this dog, you ran over it with the Land Rover there is too much damage to the dog ... nothing can be done".

"But you must," says the Prince, "It's mummy's favorite!".

"I'm sorry" said the Genie, "there's no way I can bring it back to life".

"OK" said the prince, "But do I still have a wish?".

"Yes", said the Genie.

"Well", said the Prince, "I'm marrying Camilla in April, could you make her as beautiful as Diana was?".

The Genie thought for a while then said "Let's have another look at the dog".

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
-- Author Unknown
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01-18-2011, 08:44 AM
Post: #4
RE: some very rude jokes
Clever dog
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep s**t ." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
-- Author Unknown
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01-18-2011, 08:51 AM
Post: #5
RE: some very rude jokes
A talented dog?
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
-- Author Unknown
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01-18-2011, 08:52 AM
Post: #6
RE: some very rude jokes
Good Dog...
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Beaker, do your stuff." Beaker got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
-- Author Unknown
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01-18-2011, 02:58 PM
Post: #7
RE: some very rude jokes
Brilliant !!!
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01-18-2011, 08:38 PM
Post: #8
RE: some very rude jokes
Great laughed at everyone of them

Money will buy you a pretty good dog but it won't buy you the wag of his tail
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01-18-2011, 09:16 PM
Post: #9
RE: some very rude jokes
hahaha, excellent!

When I finally met Mr Right, I didn't realise his first name was 'Always'! Diablo
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